I hope I don't drop the microphone or forget my segues or fudge my lines or go too fast, or too slow, or not speak directly into the mic so I can't be heard by the people in the back, or find that there are no people in the back because hardly anybody came to see me and me alone perform!
I'm going in naked - sans notes - to speak for an hour in an entertaining and feminist-forward way. What could possibly go wrong?
Indeed there are quite a few things that could go wrong besides these, this is only the shortlist. I'm also the fire-warden for the entire heritage (fire-prone) building for the night, and the first respondent should any harm befall anyone else in the building before, during or after my performance.
But that's what I signed up for - mostly. I wasn't entirely aware of the full extent of my responsibilities re putting out fires and worrying about the welfare of others on MY big night. But I guess if hardly anyone shows up the chances of anyone starting a fire or breaking their leg are greatly reduced, so there's that.
As for me breaking a leg, as a few of my friends (?) have encouraged me to do, I think that will be the least of my worries. The stage is only five inches high and I only charge across it giddy-upping like a deranged horse once during the show, or at least once that is scripted. So although the stage is black to match the floor beyond it, my horse and jockey are quite well trained in avoiding traps for the unwary; they've learnt that life skill the hard way.
Famous last words, she said... I always did want to be famous.