Drugs for mugs

I copied and pasted this list of possible side-effects for the drug I have just been prescribed. Below, I weigh up the pros and cons of taking the drug in light of said side-effects:

"Commonly reported side effects of (drug I've just been prescribed and paid for) - include: diarrhea, nausea, ejaculatory disorder, insomnia, headache, drowsiness, and delayed ejaculation. 

Other side effects include: constipation, dyspepsia, anorgasmia, dizziness, fatigue, xerostomia, decreased libido, and diaphoresis. 

See below for a comprehensive list of adverse effects (emphasis added but should have been there for a bit of light relief).

For the Consumer: In addition to its needed effects, some unwanted effects may be caused by (drug I've just been prescribed and paid for). In the event that any of these side effects do occur, they may require medical attention.

Severity: Major

You should check with your doctor immediately if any of these side effects occur when taking (drug I've just been prescribed and paid for):

Rare:

• Coma 
• confusion
• convulsions
• decreased urine output
• dizziness
• fast or irregular heartbeat
• headache
• increased thirst
• muscle pain or cramps
• nausea or vomiting
• shortness of breath
• swelling of the face, ankles, or hands
• unusual tiredness or weakness

More common:

• Constipation
• decreased interest in sexual intercourse
• diarrhoea
• dry mouth
• ejaculation delay
• gas in the stomach
• heartburn
• inability to have or keep an erection
• loss in sexual ability, desire, drive, or performance
• sleepiness or unusual drowsiness
• trouble sleeping

Less common: 

Bloated or full feeling, burning, crawling, itching, numbness, prickling, "pins and needles", or tingling feelings. Chills, cough, decreased appetite, excess air or gas in the stomach or intestines. Fever, general feeling of discomfort or illness, increased sweating, joint pain, muscle aches and pains. 

Not able to have an orgasm, pain in the neck or shoulders, pain or tenderness around the eyes and cheekbones, passing gas, runny nose, shivering, sneezing, sore throat,stuffy nose, tightness of the chest, tooth problems,trouble breathing,unusual dreams,unusual drowsiness, dullness, tiredness, weakness or feeling of sluggishness, yawning..."


Reaction of consumer no. 5820000000000000000003 prior to taking said drug:


Yawning I think I can just about cope with, but not to the point of comatisation, though that would help with my insomnia. However, if I am in a coma I might need some assistance contacting my doctor, especially if I'm also confused (about being in a coma).

Inability to get or keep an erection shouldn't be too much of a problem, especially if I'm in a coma. 

Decreased appetite sounds promising, though not so much if it's because of tooth problems. And what are these 'tooth problems' exactly? Will my teeth fall out or just start rearranging themselves in my mouth? Will they go on strike and refuse to eat until I clean them thrice daily with Jiff? They could be a bit clearer on the tooth-problem front. You can't just tell a person they might suffer 'tooth problems' and leave it at that. 

Trouble breathing could be a problem but if I'm passing a lot more gas than usual it might be better not to breathe.

Xerostomia and diaphoresis are not a problem because I don't know what they are.

Inability to have an orgasm and 'perform' sexually; I can blame my husband for that.

Pain in the joints, muscles, eyes, cheekbones, neck and shoulders, well at least my hair won't be troubled.

Diarrhoea and constipation? I think this is drug company speak for don't blame us if you get in the shit. Clearly they want to have their cake and eat it too. They can eat my cake. 

Tightness of the chest? Cheaper than a boob job.

Itching, prickling, crawling, tingling, burning, bloated, dizzy, numb feeling? I grew up in Australia; you'll have to do better than that!

Unusual dreams. Are there any other kind?

Sleepiness and trouble sleeping. First world problem.

Dry mouth? Let it rain.

Runny nose? You can't have it all.

Convulsions? Get a grip.

Decreased urine output? I won't tell if you don't. 

Increased thirst? Any excuse.

Headache? No kidding. 


The thoughtful and thorough side-effects novelist then goes on to explain that the drug could cause increased depression in the short term, even bringing on suicidal thoughts, but stops short of listing death as a possible side-effect. 

So. Provided I'm not in a coma or dead, or stressing about my decreased urine output or troubled teeth, I'll get back to you in due course on the actual side-effects of said wonder drug on me, presuming I take it. I have to fly soon and the doctor, who failed to mention most of these possible side-effects, did say that the drug increases your risk of in-flight deep vein thrombosis, which is usually lethal.

I think I feel that increased thirst coming on...