A staunch launch

So I'm building up to my launch. With just six weeks to go till the release of my first book, I'm preparing the orchestra/band and the outfit, the two most important things to ensuring a staunch book launch.

This woman clearly has no idea what she's doing, not an instrument in sight and a skirt so tight there's a very real danger the launchees will be distracted from buying the book, which defeats the purpose entirely, although in her case it seems she is the book, so perhaps she can be excused her distracting outfit.

Except for the pink, there's no excuse for wearing pink to a book launch, or anything else, really. And as for purple, well let me just say I hope the book's good, though that isn't usually a requirement for a successful book launch.

She could also do with stocking a few more books at her launch, as there's nothing worse than being caught short, when thousands turn up to your launch and you only have hundreds of copies of your book. It's not a good look.

For a staunch launch, the sort I am planning, first of all you need a good drummer, with a reliable band or orchestra to provide the necessary symphonic accompaniment for the drum roll as you make your way up to the podium to the rousing applause just for writing the book (as well as for your well-chosen outfit), that continues as you smile graciously through the deafening applause then finally, after several minutes, raise your hand, with maximum humility, to suggest it might be time at last to begin the main event: hearing you, the author, speak. Because if there's one thing authors do well it's speak, especially to vast crowds. That's why they write, in order that they might get to speak.

Fortunately, in my spare time I sing in a band, so lining up a drummer and other instrumentalists is not a problem. I'm still working on the outfit and the speech, however, but wanting a staunch launch I think I'll go with a black and white theme for both, no shades of grey - or pink - for me.

Good luck with that, I hear you say, and I thank you, but I'm not going to need it. I don't even need you to come to my launch if you happen to be in Auckland - or anywhere else in the world and inclined to travel - and not doing anything special on Tuesday 3 May between 6.30 and 8.00pm (Devonport Library, drinks and nibbles provided). But if you did decide you might just as well show up to lend a hand with the applause, and admire my well-chosen outfit, and hear my well-chosen words, be warned, staunch queues are expected.